


Sharklet Rain

by Missy



Category: Army of Darkness (1992), Evil Dead (Movies), Evil Dead - All Media Types
Genre: ...not enough distress, Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe-Sharknado Fusion, Character in distress, Crack, Gen, Sharks, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-22 14:50:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash gets stuck in the middle of a sharknado.  Enough said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sharklet Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Trope Bingo, Prompt: Character in distress.

When hammerheads started falling from the sky like snowflakes, Ash Williams didn’t panic. Everyone told him that he was crazy to stay outside, but stay out he did. When the clouds started to whip into a frenzied, sooty froth, he stayed on the move, helping people to find shelter, ducking into brick buildings when they got to strong but always racing back out to his car when it seemed to threatening. Long gone were his hiding days – it was time to take major action, and he was proud to be the front line of defense against the shark invasion.

Or shark disaster. He had no idea what these kids were calling it. 

He only knew that the pointy-toothed motherfuckers were dropping out of the sky at an enormous rate, screwing up his satellite reception and eating stray cats in a voracious and horrifically speedy way. Ash would have panicked, if he had time to think about it, but he didn’t, and so he railed at the enormous bastards while pulling people from the gnashing mouths and shining teeth of the wicked animals.

They had it worse in Jaws, he reminded himself, as he pulled jagged white teeth from his shoulder and tucked them into the breast pocket of his navy coat. In Jaws, the fish was still alive, still hungry. These sharks were half-dead, deprived of water and being crushed under the weight of their own cartilage while being slammed around in the funnel cloud. 

They weren’t, from what Ash could tell, intentionally eating their hapless victims – just clumsily consuming them in their death throes. It wasn’t as if they kept going after they crushed or swallowed their meals, instead lying still in the street, ready to be sliced up into steaks by the nearest entrepreneur. 

But as time wore on and the sky grew darker, Ash knew he was running out of time. There were so damn many of them, and the promise of becoming shark tare tare was neither a pleasant nor an interesting prospect. He hadn’t survived thousands of demons just to die this way. So he defended the weak, the elderly, the children, against the gale force fishfall, until the streets were empty. The storm was at its fullest force, and there was nowhere safe for Ash to hide.

So he climbed to the top of the tallest building in town, chainsaw revving, and shouted, “DO YOUR WORST, YOU SLIMY BASTARD! TOUCH ONE HAIR ON MY HEAD AND I’LL CUT YOU INTO SUSHI!”

He saw the great white before it saw him, which was a good thing, because it was descending mouth-down upon Ash’s unprotected head.

Somehow, he got the saw between himself and the shark. Sparks poured down upon his head as the shark snapped away into the thin air against its metal intruder. Ash cut upward and it sliced in gory ribbons through guts and sienew and skin, coating his screaming face in nothing but gore.

Then there were tiger sharks, spinning about on a downwind. Ash made quick work of those two. He pounded his way through a pile of nurse sharks before the front died away, transforming itself into little more than a breeze. 

The cops found him an hour later, barbecuing shark stakes over shredded newspapers. He stood and wiped his bloody mouth along his sleeve.

“Gimmie a hose,” he said. “This shit stains.”

And the police had no option but to do as he bade.

The end

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction uses characters from **The Evil Dead Trilogy** , all of whom are the property of **Universal Studios/Rosebud Releasing**. No money was gained from the writing of this fanfiction and all are used under the strictures of of the Berne Convention.


End file.
